My heart dropped as I gazed down at the results of the pregnancy test still in my hand. I was almost a week away from missing my period, but I just knew something wasn’t right. I brought the test to my fiancé, and neither of us could believe that I was pregnant. The question that rose in both of our minds was, how could this happen to us? We were a young couple, just a couple years out of high-school. People had already been questioning us since we were engaged after only a couple months of dating. I was not pregnant at the time of our engagement, but now here we were.
We both sat on the couch motionless, neither one saying a word. Eventually, my fiancé got up from the couch and sat down at his computer. He began searching for options on what to do with the pregnancy, and at that moment, we felt extremely alone. We weren’t ready for a baby and we weren’t even sure we wanted to have children at all. We also felt that our families and co-workers would judge us. The baby wasn’t a reminder of the love that we shared, but rather the mistake we had made together. Many resounding voices were echoing through our minds and we both believed there was only one solution…to abort our first-born child.
Being that I was “barely” pregnant, we believed we had found a viable answer to our little problem. There was a new method of termination known as the medical abortion pill. It sounds simple, but the only problem was that this specific pill didn’t work past a certain amount of time. Meaning if I was too far along in my pregnancy, it wouldn’t work. I had told my fiance that there was no way I would go to an abortion clinic, so finding this pill soon was our only option.
I walked alone into the dark, dank doctor’s office. The atmosphere was heavy as numerous women filled the waiting area. You could feel that most women were there for the same purpose. Part of me desired to run out the front door, but the other part of me desperately desired for this whole ordeal just to be over. My name was finally called, and the doctor took me into his office and proceeded to do an ultrasound. He told me he was surprised that I even knew that I was pregnant since the baby was not even four weeks gestation. He asked if this was a happy occasion, I shook my head earnestly motioning no. He then mentioned the option to receive the prescription for a medical abortion pill. I then nodded my head yes, still not uttering a single word. After barely saying anything, I left his office with a prescription for the medication.
Returning home, I took the medication as prescribed. I remember the excruciating pain during the termination process. The pain was so intense that I was doubled over on the floor of the living room, biting a washcloth as I prayed for the pain to subside. Eventually, I passed out on the floor falling asleep for several hours. I would wake up and it would all start again. This went on for a few days but with each day, I started feeling more myself.
Several days had gone by and I still hadn’t miscarried. Until one evening at work, I started to feel what would be menstrual cycle pains and excused myself to the restroom. I sat down on the toilet and blood began pouring out of my body. I stood up and gazed down at the small sack that had exited my womb. Everything felt very surreal at that moment as if I were in a dream. When I fully realized that my baby was lying on the bottom of the commode, I began to cry. The loss that I had felt was very real at that moment…recognizing what I had done and that I had ended my own child’s life.
People don’t tell you the repercussions of abortion. Abortion is cowardliness in its greatest form. I know because I’ve been there, a great coward unable to face my own poor choices. The opinions of others and maintaining my “good” reputation meant more to me at that moment than my own child’s life. You cannot walk away from pregnancy, despite what others may tell you. A baby living and growing inside its mother’s womb is an extension of her life, and a life all it’s own.
Yes, there is forgiveness in Christ and freedom through those that receive his love, but the decision had already been made, and there was no going back, no matter how bad we wish we could. I encourage you if you are contemplating any type of abortion to reach out today. Reach out to loved ones, friends, and organizations such as Heartbeats. You are not alone, it’s not too late, and you do not have to go through this all by yourself. There are women who understand the fear, anxiety, and aloneness you may be feeling. Abortion isn’t the only choice, I encourage you to explore your options.